by Cindy Huff

On August 15, I celebrate the birth of my baby.  Those of you who know me, may see me at GG's with my 10-year-old daughter Kathryn.  I love my girl to the moon and back!  (Like we all do!!)  I try to tell her this every day, no matter what kind of day we have had.  Kathryn is not the baby whose birthday I celebrate every August 15.

Before God blessed me with my sweet girl, I was pregnant with my sweet, first-born boy.  My first pregnancy was rolling right along as normal with the dreaded morning sickness every day, my clothes were getting smaller, I had daily mood swings, but there was also this new joy I had never experienced before, those tiny movements inside me that indicate life is in the making!!

Oh how magical these were!  I looked forward to them each day.  There was nothing quite like those tiny flutters that changed to kicking feet!  I couldn't wait to be a mother!!  My own sweet mom marked each passing month with a card for me telling me we were one month closer!

But one day, all the treasured movements inside me stopped.  Completely.  It happened on a weekend, and I didn't think much of it at first, because I was pretty small still, felt physically fine otherwise, and I figured the baby was turned another way.

But a trip to the hospital the following Monday for an ultra sound confirmed my worst fear, and something I did not expect on this day, my growing bundle of joy had passed away.  With no warning, and no real symptoms.

How devastated I was, as I was due to give birth to my boy three months later.  I began to ask, "Why God?  I teach your children at school each day, wouldn't I make a great mother?  Why was I allowed to get so far in my pregnancy?"  We even had a cute little nursery set up and a going home outfit bought.

It hit me that I would never know if he would love sports or music, or both.  Would I be getting ready today for baseball, football, or band camp now? Some of these things I will never know, and don't need to.

But I know being pregnant with Ryan taught me many things.  I learned to love in a completely new, unselfish way!  This is an amazing gift from God I believe.  I had nurturing, motherly instincts from the day of his birth onward, that I wouldn't have had otherwise.  I had more compassion with my students at school, because now I viewed those students I taught as someone else's baby.

God's love for me was put in a different light as well.  He gave His own Son for forgiveness of my sins.  This was so hard for me to comprehend at this time more than ever as I couldn't imagine giving my child up voluntarily for another!  How awesome that makes His love for us, His children!

Things would be totally different now and my life would never be quite the same, this much I knew.  So I quit asking questions, and tried to build on my faith in God.  I trusted my prayers would be answered in His time.  I began to see the face of God everywhere after this tragedy in my life.

He was shown to me through my immediate family and parents who stepped up to make decisions I couldn't make at that time.  He was shown to me through the kind, compassionate nurses and doctors who cared for me in the hospital.  He was shown to me through the funeral home staff.  He was shown to me through the many prayers, cards, words of kindness, and meals we received from people in our family, church family, coworkers, and friends.  He was shown to me by those who just sat with me and didn't say a word when milestones that should have happened did not.  I learned that I was by far not the only one to experience this.

I want to be the face of God to another mother in the future who may go through this as well.  I may never be a mother to a son again, but I know those few months with Ryan were among the best in my life!  I am confident knowing he is in Heaven resting in Jesus' arms.

Meanwhile, I have a beautiful daughter who is growing every day and needs my guidance and compassion in these formative tween years.  She needs to see the face of Jesus through me as often as possible.

Our role as a mother is an awesome responsibility, and an incredible gift from God.  I have considered myself a mother since Ryan was conceived.  I continue to think of him often, and wonder what he would be doing, and how handsome he would be.  I bet he would be causing a little trouble every now and then too!!

It is a little easier to deal with as time passes, and I finally allowed myself to be ok with not thinking of him every day.  I learned this does not mean I will ever forget my son.  It means I gave myself permission to move on with my life and be the kind of wife and mother God wants me to be now.

As I do every year, I will take a few minutes on his birthday to go through his keepsake box and look at the things I have kept that are his, and the cards and little gifts we received.  I will visit the cemetery and put flowers on his headstone.

But I also plan to do something for someone in need on Ryan's birthday.  I am praying now for God to lead me to a person that needs a blessing.  I am learning to look for ways to be the face of Jesus to others as it was shown to me.   I believe that is what our loving God calls us to do!

 

My name is Cindy Huff.  I was born and raised in Nederland and I teach 2nd grade at Helena Park Elementary.  I love 2nd graders!  My husband is Freddie, who is a firefighter, and my daughter is Kathryn, who is 10 years old and will be a 5th grader at C.O. Wilson.  I love my wonderful family, and I am so thankful for them every day!  In my spare time, I enjoy some quiet time and getting into a great book.  I enjoy listening to various types of music as well.  I also really love to cook, and especially bake!  I am always searching for and trying out a new recipe!  I grew up at First Baptist Nederland, and have attended different churches in the past several years, but recently have began attending FBCN again.  We have met some great people, and look forward to meeting more!