Everytime we've moved into a different house I've had a simple checklist of things the house mustn't have to be considered for purchase. 

1. Paneling. It makes the room look dark and makes me feel like I'm suffocating. 
2. A planter. Two of our houses have had a brick planter in the entry way. I think they're bulky and weird. And I can't grow plants. And fake plants? That's like inviting company to walk into a lie right when they come in the front door. 
3. Wallpaper. It's like a house tattoo. It's wall art that's too difficult to remove if you ever get tired of it. 

Every house we've ever bought prior to the one we live in now has had at least two out of the three. We did good when we bought our current house five and a half years ago. No paneling. No planter. But minimal wallpaper. 

 Because as The Rolling Stones remind me,  You can't always get what you want. 

Until now. 

Our wallpaper is gone (except for the wallpaper in one bathroom...  I want to remember where I came from.)

The past couple of days Jason and I painted most of the downstairs without damage done to either the house or our marriage. For most of you this may be a menial task, but I'm messy; so messy that I was put on roller only duty. Edging requires a steady hand, and more importantly, a patient hand. I've neither of those. 

I did, however, get moved up to edging duty by day two. I couldn't decide if I was proud or perturbed as rolling duty says progress whereas edging duty is monotonous like peeling potatoes for a family of six when you were a kid with one of those old-timey peelers. Peeling gets no credit when the potatoes taste good. 

How about I get to the point. 

So we're for hire. 

Rate: $100,000/hour or a $1,000,000 flat fee per project (up to four rooms). 

Availability: Seeing that this project took us more than five years to get to, our first available dates should be in January 2022. 

Or... Here a few tips, for free. 

• Qtips are not efficient paintbrushes for small spaces. 
• When your husband/painting partner tells you to get the excess paint off your roller and you don't, just to exercise your adulthood, it will leave roller marks and a permanent reminder that he was right. 
• Your old stuff that seemed to match fine just prior to your paint project will seem out of place. Your white baseboards will turn grundgy and will beg you afterward, Please paint us too. 
• Count how many light and electrical outlet covers you have, as well as pictures on the wall. They're a lot more fun to take down than they are to put back up. Strongly consider how badly you want to paint or think about whether or not there's room in the garage for all those pictures you didn't feel like putting back up which coincidentally need to be updated anyway. 

• Don't wear your favorite jogging pants to paint. 
• Take some ibuprofen or Tylenol before you get started. Pain is a part of painting. 
• New decorative pillows are cheaper than paint. 

A little peek at our remaining house tattoo (bathroom wallpaper)

We've only put one room back together so far. We're being thoughtful of one another and letting each other rest.