One of our favorite stories to tell about Hallie is how she tied Rylie up one time with a jump rope. Hallie was around seven and Rylie, three. They shared a bedroom and a bed, much to Hallie's disdain. I'm quite sure Rylie was invading Hallie's space by playing with her toys, or maybe even just by being in the room so she tied her to the bed post. Rylie still encroaches on Hallie's chosen boundaries by boisterously singing Christian choruses in the car (and sometimes by just being alive).
I try to aid the kids in establishing healthy boundaries both inside and outside of home. I teach them to say no to those things which are harmful. Don't let someone cheat off of you. Don't let someone talk you into doing something you know you shouldn't be doing. Hallie, our teenager isn't allowed to have a boy in her room. Rylie, who has saved up money through hard work, has been instructed to talk to us before she gives money to a cause. Otherwise, she'd give it all away in one pop. Hayden, who now lives, mostly independently, in the apartment behind our house, recently learned on his own that having bacon (and only bacon) for every meal of the day can have adverse effects on your health.
Our kids have boundaries when it comes to how they relate with one another (and with their dad and I), when they can talk on the phone, and with the activities they're allowed to schedule.
Boundaries are fashioned to keep us healthy and safe. They also make it possible for us to keep open opportunity to engage in the purposeful activity we're meant to be a part of. Well created and kept boundaries enhance our lives, the lives of those we love and those who we maintain boundaries with.
This being said, I've lived an exhausting life ignoring (and then sometimes battling) the need to set up proper guidelines for myself.
My general rule has been
Someone needs me= I must help them.
I say yes because saying no
- is difficult
- Makes me feel unkind (being kind is biblical)
- Makes me feel guilty
- Might hurt the feelings of the person I said no to
- May leave the person I say no to in a difficult situation
This practice of saying yes when I should have said no has caused me
- To be so busy that I become ineffective in places that matter most (parenting, serving...)
- To be burned out
- To do whatever it is I'm doing in a less than stellar/enthusiastic manner because I feel I shouldn't be doing it in the first place
- To feel resentful toward the person who asked me
- To spend time finding a way to get out of whatever it is I agreed to when saying no would have been much quicker (and possibly kinder for the person I'm bailing out on)
- To fill a job, taking away the opportunity for someone else who may have been more equipped or passionate
- To get involved in unhealthy relationships that affect my emotional health and eventually the health of my family
Several months ago it was suggested by two people that I read a book called Boundaries. Of course I agreed. Remember? I always say yes. Not typically one for self-help books, this book was a breath of fresh air. Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend explain how maintaining appropriate boundaries can be freeing, kind and biblical.
I've agreed to lead a Bible study starting next Sunday, February 12 at 6:00 at FBC Nederland. The study will contain nine, hour-long sessions. Anyone is welcome to attend. Those of you who have a difficult time saying no are strongly encouraged (but can still say no 🙂 ) Kim Rightmer will have activities going on for children at this time. If this isn't the study for you be sure to check the church newsletter or call the church (722-0263) for other studies that will be going on at the same time.
Boundaries
FBC Nederland-Edu 102
Beginning February 12 at 6:00
No cost. A book isn't necessary.
Hope to see you there.
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