I have big hips. 

At least that's what an adult remarked to a group of girls at a slumber party my sister attended back in the nineties. I was around seventeen. My younger sister came home from the party and told me that the girls were talking about who was pretty and who was skinny. I was somehow brought into the conversation when "Mrs. So and So" said of me,  "Her hips are kind of big". 

That decided it. 

I don't really usually notice a person's hips. Honestly. My keen sense is more reserved to someones emotions. I can usually tell if you're agitated or nervous. I don't notice, however, if you're well-endowed or if you've lost fifteen pounds. Sorry. 

I really have no idea where my hips lie on the scale of small to big. But I've always believed them to be big because of one comment spoken twenty-something years ago (not even to me). It could've been taken out of context or, I don't know, maybe my hips were meant for birthing. 

The point is, those words which were not affirming, stuck. 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. 

Hogwash. Who came up with that anyway? 

I'm not saying I have scars from the big hip revelation, but it became a truth to me-one that couldn't be untold. 

Having two girls, I'm usually pretty careful about what I say concerning their image. I grew up with self-esteem that was paper-doll thin. I want them to be confident in who they are. It goes without saying that I don't want them to be obsessive about how they look. I simply want them to be secure. 

That's why I have no clue why I would make a completely unnecessary remark concerning the physique of one of them a few days ago. It seemed harmless as it spilled out of my mouth. 

But I could tell as she turned around that it wasn't harmless. And unlike so many other positive things I've told her that have gone by the wayside, this comment was immediately committed to long term memory. 

She's brought the comment up several times already. I tried playing it off as a joke. I've apologized. And I've complimented her on other positive characteristics, but I have done nothing to erase what I said. I've ended up putting even more focus on her "looks" by throwing out constant extra compliments in my effort to make up for it. Not what I want to do. 

I know the girls have already had figurative sticks and stones thrown at them concerning their appearance. I know that they'll see things for themselves in the mirror, on the scale, and in comparison to their peers that make them feel less. 

 Why would I add to their catalog of "imperfections"?
Though I rarely say something as outright stupid as what I did last week, I too often make comments like 

"Are you wearing that again?"

"Do you really want to wear your hair like that?"  

And then there's 

"Is your face breaking out?" 

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. Proverbs 18:2

Why can't I just keep to that which is

1. Necessary

2. Edifying

I'm recommitting to a rule of thumb regarding making comments to my daughters ....

WHEN IN DOUBT, DON'T

Most of the time giving a moment's thought to my words will do the trick. But when I'm unsure if my words are necessary and edifying, I do best to err on the side of caution. 

This not only applies to making comments regarding our daughters or the person we're talking to. This applies most certainly to third person commenting too. It does no one any good to put too much emphasis, good or bad, on the appearance of the girl on the sidewalk or the lady on TV.  After all, our talking teaches. 

Many of us have a history of generously sharing our thoughts. 

We can't always undo. But we can do better.
Praying for our girls (and still for myself) in a world where pretty is decided by shape, and name brands and the opinions of silly people who speak before they think. Beauty that matters is IN each of us. 

May the God-inspired beauty in each of us better influence what we think, what we say and what we do. 

For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

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