Ephesians 6:4 ...do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
I read a thought-provoking article not too long ago. An officer was talking about a person he'd stopped who was speeding. I remember little else about what I read other than a rule the officer mentioned he goes by on traffic stops. He remarked that those he stops for traffic violations are subject to one thing; either a ticket OR a lecture, not both.
"Hmmm..." I thought. "I like it."
Most of the times I've been stopped, I knew good and darned well why. Surely we all get that gut-sinking/caught red-handed feeling when we spot a patrol car and we know we were over the speed limit.
When a cop comes at me with the question "Ma'am were you aware you were speeding?", I usually know.
The last time I pulled over was about two years ago. I was on hour five coming back from my parent's house. I had just driven past the city limits of one of the smaller towns and was in the process of speeding up to seventy.
I saw a cop in the other lane whip around and turn his lights on. I pulled over, still driving, thinking he was after somebody else. I had thought I was in a seventy zone. Turns out I was going sixty-five in a fifty-five. I explained the misunderstanding. He was unimpressed and gave me a ticket.
And then he lectured me. I remember smiling and saying thank you while I was really thinking, "The fine speaks well-enough on its own sir." I get it.
I messed up. I'd been ticketed. The lecture was of little benefit.
I wish the officer who stopped me had followed the "ticket or lecture" method. But more than believing officers should follow such a system I've decided to enforce such a system (whenever possible) in my "momming".
I've been a both/and kind of mom. And for years it's sucked the heart out of my message and the effectiveness out of my discipline.
I'm swift-giving when it comes to a ticket/punishment. "Turn the TV off". "Get up to your room. Move it" "Give me your phone".
And after I've announced consequences you better bet you've got a long, detailed lecture about why you shouldn't have done what you did and how your actions (or inaction) will probably change the course of your life if you DON'T GET A GRIP AND BEHAVE YOURSELF.
My kids are getting a little older. They know the rules. I've taught them why they shouldn't befriend people they don't know on Instagram and not to interrupt when I'm talking to an adult.
They know that if they've made a few bad grades that they do best to tell me before I find out on that online grading system that knots me up near every time I look at it.
Breaking the rules, in most cases, merits a ticket. I need to take away their phone or a privilege they had or hand over whatever other consequence seems necessary. A ticket speaks for itself in the case of most intentional indiscretions.
If your kids does something they didn't know was wrong, maybe a brief explanation of why their behavior was wrong is in order (key word: brief)
Like some fragrances from Bath and Body Works, a ticket and a lecture can tend to be overkill.
Of course there are exceptions to every rule. Instances may come up where a ticket and a lecture are in order.
Choosing to ticket or lecture (and not both) will save time and energy. If you're extra long-winded and passionate like me, it just might help preserve your relationship with your kids.
What's your typical discipline style? Do you ticket or lecture? Or are you guilty of too often doing both?
If you'd like to receive these posts by email don't forget to subscribe.