To bring up a child in the way he should go-travel that way yourself. -Josh Billings
I probably shouldn't be writing about this on a Monday morning. The kids just left for school and there's a shower curtain and rod in a big jumbled mess on the bathroom floor that nobody knew was there. The girls were shrieking in frustration this morning indicating that the brother who has felt too bad to antagonize them is returning to good health and good pranks. Someone's eyeglasses are lost again. Their last known whereabouts is Hico (in Central Texas) at the visitation for Jason's grandmother who passed away last week. We have a picture to confirm this lasting sighting of the glasses. So. The lost eyeglasses are somewhere within a three-hundred and fifty mile radius. Since we usually have a great deal of difficulty finding them when they're lost in the house, this should be fun.
I've been thinking a few days about a phrase we hear every now and then.
"You have good kids."
I've had a few people say this to me through the years. The opposite has been thought as well, but we know most people won't say your kids are bad until they know you're out of earshot.
When I've been told my kids are good, my response is varied.
- I say something like "You should have seen them this morning" countering the compliment with information that they're typical children with typical behavior that's not always good.
- Very rarely, do I say thank you. Here are the reasons.
Saying thank you feels like I'm taking credit for such goodness. I am in a constant state of awareness of how difficult parenting can be. I know I make mistakes. And I make mistakes that I don't even know I make. It's a tough gig. Not to say that parenting is without reward and joy; parenting is full of both. But, this parenting path is one I walk blindly on; depending completely on God's grace to see me and my children through. Neither my parent's path or my neighbor's is just like mine.
Hearing from someone that my kids "are good" feels like too flat a description. It doesn't quite describe their complicated nature which is at times opposed to good. My kids do good things like the one who spent her own money at the bookfair to buy an overpriced cat poster for her sister when I know she would very much like the cat poster for herself. Or like the brother who rescued a lost dog this past weekend and then found the owners returning the dog to them. I'm reminded of a time or two the dishwasher was unloaded without my asking. These kindnesses are counterbalanced with episodes of fighting over things like the DS game charger and chores left undone. My kids do good things. They misbehave too.
Saying thank you scares me frankly. In my own experience, the moment I brag on my kids, they go and ruin it. I remark how nice they're being to each other only to hear them fight over feeding the dogs. I listen to one of them tell the life story of Winston Churchill and swell with pride over their depth of knowledge only to check their grades online hours later to find a zero and a two terrible test grades. Saying, even thinking that my children are doing good seems to have a jinxing effect. How much more, if I accept a compliment suggesting that they're GOOD kids.
As parents, I think we all appreciate that person who takes notice of our family. We're thankful for a kind word saying that we, or our kids, or both are doing a good job. We're likewise thankful for people who encourage even though "good" is not how they see our kids present behavior (or our attempt to manage it). Our world is made brighter by kind words with encouraging intentions.
We also know as parents, that there are inevitably times that our parenting is questioned. Our kids cop an attitude in public or act like hooligans in a restaurant. Maybe they forget what we taught them about responding to an adult with maam and sir. We can be sure that our kid's name may go home with another kid, mentioned in a story that's anything but good. Maybe our kid will act bullyish at one time or another, even if they have the kindest of hearts. They'll probably be rude, deal with jealousy and say things that aren't true. Beyond bad behavior, even the hardest praying, most loving parents may find themselves and their children in a dark season where trouble seems to never leave. Regardless of our kids' behavior, misbehavior, or the severity thereof; all parents find themselves in the same boat.
We believe we are doing the best we know how.
There are times we are proud, and times we are dog-tired and our efforts seem fruitless.
We have room to improve and room to rely on God more than we already are.
We want people to love our children without regard to their behavior.
More worth mentioning than any of these things is the truth that we have a God who is good, loves our children unconditionally and a God whose behavior doesn't change.
We have a Father who promises:
His grace is sufficient for the parent who feels they're not getting it right and whose children aren't following their instructions.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
He will guide us and He will guide our children.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. Psalm 32:8
We ought to be diligent to pray for each other as parents. Let's pray for each other's children, keeping at the front of our mind that righteousness is only found in God. Pray that our encouragement to others would be rooted in truth and love.
Kids are a precious gift, wrapped in mystery, given by a good Father who leads us all along.
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