I practice hypocrisy on a regular basis.  There I've said it.

The definition of hypocrisy according to Merriam-Webster is -

2. a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs

(I'm sending Merriam-Webster a picture of myself in case they want to illustrate the word.)

My posts have enlightened me to this "Hypocrite Syndrome" that I have.  It's usually right before I hit the publish button that I look no further than the title and see that I'm spouting off words, that in actuality, I'm not good at believing myself. I'm stating beliefs that aren't followed.

I wrote "Hold on to Your Reason to Smile" while grimacing.

"How (Not) to be a Friend" was written by me and addressed to me at the same time.

It's an absolute joke that I wrote "Say Yes to the Mess" because I'm not sure I've ever willingly done that.

Still, I believe what I write though I act in direct opposition.

I'm reminded of a miracle in Mark where a man had brought his son who was possessed by an evil spirit.  The man said to Jesus,

  But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

²³ “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

²⁴ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:22b-24

I get this guy.

He went to Jesus.  He asked for his help, his belief wavering.  He both believes and he doesn't.  Yet his contradiction is true.

Most of my posts are pleas for help.  I know I should say "yes to the mess" sometimes.  I know that spending time with the kids is more important than my house being spotless.  I believe that.  Sometimes I'll believe it while I'm scrambling to clean the very mess I know to be ok.

Other times I pretend that the Poptart crumbs and socks on the floor are perfectly fine while I'm violently shaking my head "no" on the inside. I'm acting in contradiction to my beliefs.  I'm feeling it's not ok to my core. God knows my  "shaking -no" on the inside doesn't match my pretending to play it cool.

I know I should love my neighbor as myself.  I believe it.  Just because I don't act it, doesn't mean I don't believe it.

I know God can heal all hurts.  I don't believe.  And I believe without power. I'm weak and fallen and I can't do it on my own.

So I'll continue to write and not follow through with what I say.

I'll say I believe and then I'll act like I don't.

I'll even say I believe, then act like I do, but my heart's meditation will be like that father's as it wrestles within me.

And all the while, I'll be pleading with my Savior to"help me overcome my disbelief".

I'll be thankful for his power, and for his mercy in accepting a hypocrite like me.