I decided to use one of the emojis on Facebook this morning. You know, the ones that pop up when you click on the "feeling" category while typing a status. You can choose from a list of emotions that have an accompanying face...(feeling happy-smiley face, feeling frustrated-clenched teeth face). I chose "-feeling bummed". I wrote a quick status about this morning being harder to send my kids to school than that first morning in August. I posted it. And then I deleted it. I'm bummed, but more I'm worried.
I still feel a little bummed. But I'm ready to try to express myself a little more fully than a Facebook emoji. Here goes.
Jason left at five this morning to go work out. Not me. I had to get up early and make sure that I started the kids day off right. You know, I got up and prepared a (non-Pinteresty, but made with love) lunch for each of the kids. As per request, I put a note in Rylie's lunchbox inspiring her to be a world changer. And this morning, like every morning, I planted a kiss on each one's forehead sealing in wishes for a good day; a day safe from harm.
A couple of the kids were anxious about school today. One even got sick at their stomach. Breaks seem to provide a needed safe haven and rest from the challenges kids face at school. But we're back at it and as usual, some of us get nervous. Rylie, our nine-year old reminded me of a few of those challenges in the drive-thru line at McDonalds Sunday night. She worries about making and keeping friends, pleasing the teacher, and scoring commended on that blasted STAAR test (as if worrying about passing it weren't enough). Why wasn't she just excited about her Mighty Kid's Meal with a boy toy? Returning to school, I could tell, was a heavy thing.
She and I talked about how some grades just end up being rough, and how God's going to do something cool through it all. So yesterday, with my new Bose speaker (that I got for my fortieth birthday, that I love very much) on full blast, I played Rylie a song in the kitchen. And I got her to dance.
1.Because dancing seems to be an expression of throwing caution to the wind (Not that I know from much personal experience- Don't try to picture it).
2. Because watching her free herself, though it be in awkward motion, IS FREEING.
Earlier she'd brought up something she'd learned on Netflix about pressure on coal making diamonds. So we talked about how that's what's happening with her this year. She's being made into a diamond. I played a song from Queen that I only knew six words to (which were enough). And we made that her new theme song.
Pressure, pushing down on me
Pressing down on you
And then came the next line of the song..
No man ask for....
What?!
No man asks for it?
Oh, but I do. I ask for it. I practically look for things to worry about; especially with the kids. I'm a self-made hero; looking for an adventure in saving the day, daily. Sometimes my "saving it" consists of holding my concerns for them in a tight ball as if when I do, a barrier somehow forms around the ball of worry. I'm ridiculous enough to think this keeps said worry from reaching and affecting my children.
And then, ironically, I'll be the pro at reminding them of all the things that aren't important in life; like silly STAAR tests that are no reflection of who they are as a person. All the while I'm freaking out on the inside about that test; hoping she'll do well. I've developed a Poker face with the kids. It's my "Yeah, no big deal" face that I do my best to make when they tell me something- that on the inside feels life-altering.
Thing is, I know they know. They know that I put pressure on myself to make all things right in the world. And if they're anything like I know children to be, they're going to emulate the behavior.
I'm raising stressed-out mini me's; people who believe that the good life is all about the striving, striving, striving....
I'm stewing in those juices as I sit here alone this morning. The worry, shame and "What do I do?" juices.
Need scripture.
In the day of my trouble {everyday} I call upon you, for you answer me. Psalm 86:7
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27
Pressure is inevitable. And so we remember.
A diamond is just a piece of coal that handled stress exceptionally well
There are pressures. But I do good to remember, God is my handler. He is the handler of me and my kids .. my marriage and this ball on which we live. And He handles all things well.
Now, if only I could get myself to dance
.....or go work out.
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