Dear Me at 37,
Last week you traveled back in time; back to 1989 when you were just fourteen. And you wrote a letter to yourself back then. It was so important that you look back and see where you were. You needed to look upon that fresh face, full of hope that upon trying, she would reach that point where life is all roses.
You reminisced a time when an affirming word made you feel whole. You looked back to a time when completing a level on Mario Bros. made for a good day. Hearing She Drives Me Crazy or anything by Phil Collins was all it took to lift your spirits. But just as quick your day was made, one wrong look from someone in the hallway at school and your joy was stolen.
So flighty.
So insecure.
So petty.
So small.
This is going to hurt a little, but I must ask you. Have you really changed that much? Sure you smile and engage in conversation like you're Mrs. Congeniality. You could now play Monopoly with your brother and sister-n-law without a fight breaking out over how much money is owed by landing on Park Place. But are you where you want to be?
You know deep down that the smile on your face is an offering that comes when you're elated and when you're crushed. You still spend too much time being the latter. You don't play board games or video games anymore, all your time is spent in this game called life. You still come unleashed on the inside when you feel you're losing or if other people don't play fair.
You looked back for a reason; there was something to be learned. It's true what God's word says: "Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us."
Looking back helped you to learn from those mistakes; the ones you made in High School and the one you made after supper last night.
You know, there are two ways to look at your mistakes. You can count every tear and loss. You can count every bad day and every failure. The number of times you've shrunken in terror would be too many to list. So many things go wrong.
But I need you to hear this. It's not so much about how many mistakes you've made. Really you've only made one.
You forget your first love.
You make this mistake over and over.
You pray, but then somehow forget that your amen doesn't have to end the interaction. Then you go and do, without remembering or asking what He thinks.
You read those precious promises that God is your refuge and then go off feeling helpless, vulnerable and alone.
You base your day on your successes or how someone else makes you feel instead of relying on the unchanging nature of God.
This BIG mistake, the one where you forget your first love? It's a part of your DNA. It's what makes you human.
Get over it.
Stop focusing on all that goes wrong. Instead, pay attention to all the beautiful things that come from your first love, like that rainstorm the other day-the one where you got listen to the thunder roll and it made your heart swell.
Quit thinking about what doesn't go your way and remember that God smiles at you every day through sunshine and the toothy smile of your seven-year old. He tells you that everything is ok through the reassuring words of your husband. Sometimes He whispers assurance straight to your heart.
So what if you still disappoint- like the time this week when you accidentally took Rylie's completed homework out of her folder and she had to sit out of the whole recess for not having it. Your first love is with you in your disappointment. He was with Rylie too. He wishes you would know that in the scheme of things, it's not such a big deal. She forgave you without hesitation.
Your days are filled with hugs and affirmation from your boy and the chance to revel at the creativity and strength of that middle daughter of yours. There's music to be heard even when your favorite radio station doesn't come in. A chorus of birds waits outside your kitchen window most every morning. You're never alone.
Hey you in the mirror.
Look at your self- back then and now, but not for too long.
It's spending too much time in the mirror that our imperfection begins to define us.
Own us.
Go on and glance in the mirror, but keep looking to your first love.
Just in case you missed my Letter at 14: http://kristiburden.com/?p=2993
Or say hello @ kristiburden@gmail.com