Tag Archives: communication

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Close the Door!

 All three of our children have heard Jason and I raise our voices in agitation as we approach the front door or refrigerator door  left wide open.  They come by it honestly.

I remember well, a time when I was somewhere between Hayden and Hallie’s age that I left one too many cabinet doors open. My mother carried out swift justice.  She opened every cabinet and drawer- maybe in the whole house.  She made me close every one.  Dramatic I’m sure, but it seemed like torture.  She watched (seemingly enjoying every minute).  Out of all the punishments I ever received, it's one I remember.

Presently I wouldn’t be able to count the number of times the refrigerator door, the car door and the front door have been left open by the kids. But as irony would have it, we now have a new problem.  I noticed it a few months ago.  The upstairs is entirely too quiet, even when I’m upstairs.  The two oldest, who  finally shut doors- are doing just that.  They routinely shut their bedroom doors now. They keep them shut. I suppose some privacy is in order.  But I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m being shut out in some sense.

I’m not on their top ten list of "the world’s greatest people" anymore.  

 I rarely hear “Hey Mom, What do you think about….” 

 They think I’m strict.  They think I ask too much of them.  They think that I don’t understand them. 

 And so they shut the door.  They watch families on TV whose parents perfectly understand their kids.  They text kids their age and ask “Hey… What do you think about..”. They listen to songs sung by artists on their top ten list of "the world’s greatest people".

How do I contend with that?

First I moped.

.... Now I do what my mom did…..Well in reverse that is.

I have them open their door.  And open it again. I even invite myself in. I’ m sure it seems like pure torture.  I suspect they won’t like the continuing invasion. But I’m praying that maybe, just maybe, when they're older, it will be the punishment they remember.  And if I’m lucky, they’ll thank me for it.

I’m going to go call my mom now.

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"When did you tell me that?  I didn't hear you say that."

"I told you three times the other night."

"Well, I didn't think you were serious."

"So you did hear me."

"I might remember something about it, but I'm remembering it differently than you do."

What an awkward conversation.

Conversations similar to this have repeated themselves across our 17 years together. I never set out to ignore or to contradict or to undermine, but it sure has come across that way at times.

It's a terrible feeling when we have hurt the one who is closest to our heart.

Yes. This is how a conversation went after Rylie's graduation that Jason and I attended with one car.

Jason: I'm going to go ahead and take the two big kids.

Me: Ok. The car is parked on the street by the two-story house on the corner.

Jason: Ok.

Me: (Looking for the keys-He waits for me to find them then starts walking

without the keys) Where are you going?

Jason: Home.

Me :But I have the keys.

Jason: Ok.

Me: How are you going in the car without the keys?

Jason: I'm not.

Me: Then what are you doing?

Jason: We're walking.

Me:Why didn't you just tell me that when I was telling you where the car was parked and while I was looking for the keys?........

Our conversations, or lack thereof, can be frustrating and disconnecting. We sometimes remind me of oil and vinegar; a vinaigrette.  I love a good vinaigrette on my salad.  I occasionally make it at home for our salad. Though oil and vinegar go wonderfully together, the two ingredients have to be briskly whisked by a strong hand. And to keep the vinaigrette from tasting too tart, you have to keep whisking.

Communication can be a big source of frustrations in a marriage.  There are times that we are just not on the same page. It doesn't happen often, but it happens often enough to make me want to try to avoid it in the future.

One problem lies in the fact that men and women think differently.  We approach our world from different perspectives.  It is difficult to put yourself in the place of another.  You cannot listen well without trying to understand the other person from their vantage point.

Sometimes the frustration is compounded by assumptions we make.  In the conversation above I was assuming Kristi knew certain things, Kristi assumed I was going to do certain things, and you can assume that we broke from that conversation thinking the other was goofy.

We heard one another's words, but we were not listening from the perspective of the other.  I think putting yourself in the place of the other is the key to great communication.  If we are going to have great communication we need to be mindful to share more with each other than just the facts.  When we communicate feelings and ambitions and goals we are giving our partner a better foundation to be able to listen to us from.

Assumptions are easily and often wrongfully made when we we're not deeply invested in the conversation.  At Rylie's graduation, we were busy.  Many times I'm rattling off, telling Jason things he could care less about.  I approach him some times when he is exhausted. There are probably days he is wary to approach me at all. As different as we are, God is helping us gain a knowledge of what it means to listen and respect one another. Now if we could just be faithful in exercising that knowledge. Oil and vinegar. Thankful for a mighty hand that binds two hearts together that otherwise would have less savor on their own.

Do you have similar stories of miscommunication/ or lack of communication?

Our conversation was compared to oil and vinegar.  What would you compare

your conversations to?

Follow Jason at www.pastorburden.com

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It's our day together.


No work. The kids are at school. Jason has his laptop. I have mine.


I'm pretty sure Jason thinks I talk too much. I agree. But I'm on to something, I've discovered that when I type my thoughts.... I have to let some go—


1) Because I can't keep up with all of my thoughts and


2) Because some thoughts aren't worth sharing.


To even out our communicating, Jason and I have come up with a plan. We are going to interblog.




INTER--BLOG = A collaborative blog writing experience where each author builds upon and expands the thoughts of the other.


I talk a lot on Sundays and Wednesdays. I don’t talk a lot otherwise.


We can drive from here to Amarillo and I’ll never feel the need to say more than, “What do you want to eat?” Sounds pretty lame right?


It is.


But when you’ve known each other for as long as Kristi and I have been knowing one another, there is something deeper being communicated than words can express.


There is a joy of being in each other’s presence. There is a security in a love that is well established. There is a fondness that can be expressed through a look, or a touch. There is a fellowship enjoyed by two who are on a journey together.


I know a silent car ride doesn’t sound like the most romantic thing in the world. It certainly is weak on the WOW factor. But being beside my bride, for all of these years, for all of these quiet trips, has led to a WOW marriage.


I shared with a group of kiddos not so long ago what my idea of prayer is. It matches what Jason just mentioned.


A prayer can be "Dear Lord, You amaze me.......Amen". That's often been the way I speak to God; like we're having a long distance phone conversation.


If I am in the house with Jason, I don't tell him bye before I walk out of the room like I'm finished with him. I don't even say good morning. We are just pleasantly aware of each other's presence.


If we are to pray without ceasing, there are few "dear Lord’s" and "Amens" because the communication is continual—even in silence. Greetings are unnecessary. I'm thankful that God has given me a life-partner that I can enjoy being with 99.9% of the time (the other .1% accounts for an occasional mood moment).


Our close and steady relationship, I believe, is a beautiful picture of the kind of relationship and communication God wants with us. I say that in complete humility knowing that I am a mere speck of dust in comparison to God. That's what makes it all the more amazing—that he delights at my delighting in him.


It’s the important things that we take for granted. When we neglect to reflect on what is most important to us, we are in danger of holding those things in low esteem.


It’s sad when we only realize how special something is when it is taken from us. Here’s what I plan to do for both Kristi and for God today…


• Be Intentional. I’m learning to say, “I Love You” to Kristi and to God throughout the day.


• Be Creative. I’m going to be loving God and Kristi for a long time. I need to find many ways to express that love.


• Be Real. God created me to love him from my heart, not from someone else’s idea of how I should love him. He wants my words, my affections, my honest reactions, and my true sentiments. This also applies to how we love our spouses. We need to give them the love that is absolutely true to our hearts. There are no techniques or gimmicks. There is only the real you, encountering the real them, in the context of real love.


Read Song of Solomon. It doesn’t get more real.


 


How do you pass your time together?


What conversations do you no longer have to have?


How has your faith formed the relationship you have with your spouse?